If it ain't working, then Change it...
Is there someone who always acts in a specific negative way that makes you feel uncomfortable?
It could be their way of dealing w/ a specific issue or situation.
Like if you both disagree, then this person gets in a huff, you see it on their face, they shut down, they want to change the subject.
Or they go the other way...they get obnoxious, their voice gets really loud, you can see it on their face?
Or you fill in the blank...
But whatever it is, it makes you feel uncomfortable.
NOTE: I am not talking about abusive situations where someone physically or emotionally harms you and you feel threatened in anyway...such as w/ your spouse, partner, boy/girlfriend, parent you live with. In this type of situation, You Need professional help. I highly recommend if you are in This type of Abusive relationship, Please Go and See a Therapist and get professional help from them. Or call your local domestic violence agency [Google it] or call the police or if you feel safe..leave.
What do you do?
Well, you can continue doing what you're doing in response.
But, I bet that's not working bc it's a cycle...a routine pattern...that you both do.
This means you both will be doing this over and over.
Change the way YOU respond to their patten response.
And, then see what happens.
This may take some finagling...you may have to try different things and you determine if it gets the result you want.
Why do I have to "change"?
Well, you're getting yourself OUT of the cycle. So that's a good thing.
And, you know from experience, You'll be holding your breath if you wait for them to change theirs on their own.
But, if you change how you react, then this may start a chain reaction and cause their reaction/non-reaction to change.
So, when they "shut down" and they make it clear they're "upset" w/ you and the topic or situation, You STOP, Think, and React or Don't react to them in a Different way. And, then see what happens.
If you normally start "shutting down" also bc you are uncomfortable with where this is all going and don't want things to escalate, then instead Say something Positive or in some cases something Direct. And see what happens...
If you normally React a certain way....like yell, or start talking alot or placate them like apologizing when you're Not wrong but just want Peace...aka you react, Then do it differently...talk in a normal tone, inform them how this situation is making you feel, or don't talk at all and stand there and see what happen
You probably already know the "hotspots".
So, before you and that person get into Round 2, think about a different way you will react. Then, when you are in the situation, TRY IT OUT. See what happens. Not getting the result you want? Then, think of Another Way to handle it and do That Next time.
Like I said...it'll take some finagling.
How do you know what makes you feel uncomfortable?
When you think about it aLOT afterwards and wish that person wouldn't react or not react that way OR you feel stifled and wish you said something....you get the picture.
Here's my example...
My mom and I are sometimes [or a lot of times] like oil and water. We have this pattern where we can be talking 1 minute and the next minute we are arguing about something stupid and the conversation sounds like this... "why did you say that to me", "no I didn't", "Yes, you did", "You're too sensitive...I never said that", "I wish I recorded this so you can hear yourself", etc etc etc....talk about a vicious cycle that goes nowhere. This happens also when she starts asking me a lot of questions and if I answer her...this inevitably leads to her nitpicking on something I said...which leads to us "getting into it" over the phone.
Recently, I decided to change the way we communicated bc I knew she wouldn't. When I have a "feeling" that we are going into that mode of "crazy" talk, I Stop myself from reacting to whatever she said that "bugs me", and just tell her "I don't want to talk about this". And miracles beyond miracles....it worked! She immediately says "OK" and we move on. World War 3, 4, & 5 has been averted...all humans on this planet are still alive.
Think of it this way....if something doesn't work, then Do NOT do it. Try something else and see what happens. Life sometimes is a lot like Groundhog Day [with Bill Murray] where you feel like you've been here before...ugh, yeah, 'cause you have.
So, give it a different try and see what happens.
You will be pleasantly surprised when you see the outcome is way better than before.
Peace out my fellow "Happiness Seekers"...peace out. ( :
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